Saying What You Want to Say

Ok, well it is 12:32 on a Sunday night and I need to get something off of my chest. First off, again, sorry, bad post on the last term. Midterms? What the hell was I thinking. Only two comments on it tells me a lot. Anyways, back to the main point. This is going to sound a little repetitive, but it's about women. Yes, I know it's a cliche subject, but I've been single for way too long. This is how sad I am. I go onto the net and search google for "what is the meaning of love." I mean, that's sad, really really sad. I sit there for a good half an hour and read quotes, poems, sayings, anything that can and will inspire me to keep trying to find my happy place. Of course, after I'm done, what is there left but me feeling bad because, even with all this inspiration, these feelings that love is for everyone, it can be found, even I can find it, I still have no one.

I need companionship. This is what I have concluded. I need to give myself to someone, plain and simple. I need to feel wanted and accepted, listened to and appreciated. I want to give so much to anyone that wants to take it. Yet, I'm not that easy. Not just anyone can come around and take what I have to offer. I know you're probably thinking sex right now, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I want to love. I've been there once, and by God, it was one of the happiest times of my pathetic 19 years of life. I want someone to know that I love them, for not just their perfections, but for their flaws, their problems, their issues, anything that is going to spice up my dull life.

And yet, with all this willingness to give, to put out there and expect nothing in return, still no one is here next to me. Why I ask? How can this be at a school that is 65% women. Not just women, exceptionally attractive, good natured women. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I'm looking for that chemistry that everyone keeps talking about. Maybe I'm not willing to work for it. Dating isn't always the most fun thing to do in the world. But it's hard. It's hard when you don't have a car, when you can't provide for the girl you want to please so much, it's hard to show her that you'd do anything for her, and you've only spoken with her maybe a dozen times. And the crazy thing about all of that is that I don't know why I would do anything for this girl??? I don't even know if she really likes me that way. Everytime, either if it's "I'm not available" or the quick five line conversation on AIM, puts me one step closer to giving up, giving up on something I promised never to give up on.

I feel lost. I feel lost in the sense that I do the same things every week. I workout, do homework, go to meetings, to more homework. It feels like I'm just passing the time. Love, is what turns all of that into making it all worth while. Finishing up all the homework to go see her. Getting out of a meeting early to go talk to her. Knowing that besides your family and friends, some actually gives more than a damn about you. When you're in love, you have direction. The void in you is filled. You've got everything. But when your single, you're only half a man or woman. We're reading "Waiting for Godot" and one of the morals of the book is that companionship seems to be the only thing that makes life worth while. At this point, I would tend to agree. You feel completed. You also know what to do. You know how to act, you know where to go, how to have fun, how to be a person. Right now, I have no idea where to start.

I'm sick of waiting. Sick of waiting to say "Look, I really really really like you and I want you to like me." Now if that could be said without coming off as needy or a stalker, please, tell me. I know it's early. I know I don't know her, and yet that's all I want to say. I want to make sure she knows that. I know I can't force her to like me. But I can let her know. I feel like I have to wear a mask to cover myself until the time comes for when I can really say what I want to say. When is that? I'd give anything to know. The worst part is that I don't know if I'm making head way or falling back. And there's no way of knowing.

So what does this mean? All of this means nothing. All it is, is moaning and groaning about something that I don't know if it will ever change or not. It's all emotion, spoken out of emtion and not out of logic. But emotion doens't have to have logic to make sense. My head and heart are always in a constant battle. My head wants answers, my heart says it knows how to get them, my head disagrees, my heart hurts. That's it. That is all I have to say. I don't care if she reads this. Better see does read it and actaully know what I'm going through then have her be oblivious to it all. Sometimes I wish she would read this blog. Just to know she actually cared. Ok, its 1 now. I have class. Once again, clean comments are always appreciated. Hopefully I will have better news next time. Until next time, ciao.